Don't Be A Disappointing Listener
Have you ever been disappointed by a listener? That time when you have something you just gotta share, and a certain someone you want to share it with, (or frequently anyone) only to be received by a less than hoped for audience. It's a terrible feeling. I regret to say that not only has that happened to me, I have often been that less-than-hoped-for audience.
There's a good chance that listener actually wanted to listen. Of course wannabe and actual do-ers are quite different. It takes more than wanting to listen, to listen well. I hope I'm not taking this verse to much out of context, but 1 Corinthians 14:19 (NIV) says, "But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue." In other words, here are some bullet points to make things go faster.
First, eye contact. Simple, yes, but terribly effective. (in a good way)
The difficulty is in not staring at who's speaking. It is a good idea to infrequently look away briefly. Emphasis on infrequently and briefly.
Secondly, affirmation. Mmhm. Yes. Yeah. I see. (even if you do not) Ah. Oh. Eeee. Yikes. Ouch. Sure. Uh huh. Uh uh. No. Right. Hmm. And so on....
And third, relevant questions. Usually the hardest to pull off, it actually requires you to be thinking of something to ask about what you've been hearing. So even if you've got the first two points, and can manage those without genuinely listening, this third one will crack that.
Sure, there are more aspects to listening, but with those three things, you can keep anyone talking for as long as you want. At least those that do talk. There are some people that don't talk much, even with a great listener. Possibly more interesting though, with these points you can actually end conversations whenever you want as well. After some practice it's not so hard to inconspicuously and naturally wind a conversation to a close. Abruptly breaking all three isn't really recommended, even if you put all the work into starting the conversation, it would be seen as rude. (unless that's what you want to get across, what a horrible thought!)
It must be noted that real friendships are different from our everyday encounters. The closer two people are, the more these ideas really show themselves to be fake starters. On first impression there's nothing that works better. But I don't have to be looking at, responding to, or asking questions for my close friends to know I'm listening. I don't have to be looked at, responded to, or asked questions, to know my close friends are listening. To behave that way wouldn't be harmful used sparingly, but friends do not need a veneer of interest, because they are interested. And you know when they are. I wholeheartedly agree with the saying, "One sign of true friendship is when silence between two people is comfortable."
The transition between acquaintances to friends (what a distant versus close comparison) takes time, and can be difficult. Getting to friendship means learning more about the person, while not letting up on what they're doing, because what they're doing is important too.
How about a different angle. Why would you want me to listen to you? Why would I want you to listen to me? I mentioned at the beginning about a certain someone in mind, to share with. There are a good many times when it doesn't matter who listens, we just want someone to listen. But when I want to tell a specific someone, those are the times that matter most to me. If the heart is not guarded carefully, it can be easily bruised by an unintentionally poor listener. What I'm getting at is this: The ideas outlined above, can help you get in the position of that certain someone to share with.
I believe that when there's really only one someone, or even several someones in mind, what we have to say usually carries a lot about who we are as a person and what we value, not just about what's new. A friend does not need to ask what the other has been doing, because the other will tell them without even being prompted. A friend has no problem actually listening, because they are actually listening. Those three ideas are useful, but become less and less needed the closer a friendship becomes.
So, the moral of the story is.... don't be a disappointing listener. (Great, another don't :-)
There's a good chance that listener actually wanted to listen. Of course wannabe and actual do-ers are quite different. It takes more than wanting to listen, to listen well. I hope I'm not taking this verse to much out of context, but 1 Corinthians 14:19 (NIV) says, "But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue." In other words, here are some bullet points to make things go faster.
First, eye contact. Simple, yes, but terribly effective. (in a good way)
The difficulty is in not staring at who's speaking. It is a good idea to infrequently look away briefly. Emphasis on infrequently and briefly.
Secondly, affirmation. Mmhm. Yes. Yeah. I see. (even if you do not) Ah. Oh. Eeee. Yikes. Ouch. Sure. Uh huh. Uh uh. No. Right. Hmm. And so on....
And third, relevant questions. Usually the hardest to pull off, it actually requires you to be thinking of something to ask about what you've been hearing. So even if you've got the first two points, and can manage those without genuinely listening, this third one will crack that.
Sure, there are more aspects to listening, but with those three things, you can keep anyone talking for as long as you want. At least those that do talk. There are some people that don't talk much, even with a great listener. Possibly more interesting though, with these points you can actually end conversations whenever you want as well. After some practice it's not so hard to inconspicuously and naturally wind a conversation to a close. Abruptly breaking all three isn't really recommended, even if you put all the work into starting the conversation, it would be seen as rude. (unless that's what you want to get across, what a horrible thought!)
It must be noted that real friendships are different from our everyday encounters. The closer two people are, the more these ideas really show themselves to be fake starters. On first impression there's nothing that works better. But I don't have to be looking at, responding to, or asking questions for my close friends to know I'm listening. I don't have to be looked at, responded to, or asked questions, to know my close friends are listening. To behave that way wouldn't be harmful used sparingly, but friends do not need a veneer of interest, because they are interested. And you know when they are. I wholeheartedly agree with the saying, "One sign of true friendship is when silence between two people is comfortable."
The transition between acquaintances to friends (what a distant versus close comparison) takes time, and can be difficult. Getting to friendship means learning more about the person, while not letting up on what they're doing, because what they're doing is important too.
How about a different angle. Why would you want me to listen to you? Why would I want you to listen to me? I mentioned at the beginning about a certain someone in mind, to share with. There are a good many times when it doesn't matter who listens, we just want someone to listen. But when I want to tell a specific someone, those are the times that matter most to me. If the heart is not guarded carefully, it can be easily bruised by an unintentionally poor listener. What I'm getting at is this: The ideas outlined above, can help you get in the position of that certain someone to share with.
I believe that when there's really only one someone, or even several someones in mind, what we have to say usually carries a lot about who we are as a person and what we value, not just about what's new. A friend does not need to ask what the other has been doing, because the other will tell them without even being prompted. A friend has no problem actually listening, because they are actually listening. Those three ideas are useful, but become less and less needed the closer a friendship becomes.
So, the moral of the story is.... don't be a disappointing listener. (Great, another don't :-)
Thanks for the quality thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment :-)
ReplyDeleteI'd like to hear some of your quality thoughts!